I think I am beginning to run out of words to describe how I feel... shame really. Even my thoughts are beginning to die. There used to be so many of them running around inside my mind but now... silence. Well, not entirely. But mostly they have just... stopped. Stopped running. Flying. Whatever it is that they did. They have just stopped moving altogether. Maybe my thoughts are tired. Tired of themselves. They are all the same anyway. I bet they are sick of each other and their constant whining and moaning. I know I am.
The problem is that I am tired. But it is not just the physical type of tired. I am tired. Just tired. And to be honest, I am not sure what I am tired of. Myself maybe. Or my thoughts. Or life. Or things. I have yet to work it out.
My head hurts. How unfortunate on my part.
I feel numb. How empty.
Just MeThese scars that run along my arms,
Scarring my skin for others to see,
A pain to bare for my emotional state,
In which I inflict pain without purpose,
And then act as if everything is fine,
When I know it is not.
Why do I seem to cry each night?
Smothering my sobs into a familiar pillow,
Only myself and the walls of my room to hear me,
As my soul bleeds out from within,
For no one but me will ever hear them,
As if they'd care to listen.
Thoughts flitter through my mind at times,
Horrid things of dark intentions,
And I shove them aside,
Tell them to leave,
And yet they always come back,
As if haunting me,
Just for fun.
Did I do something wrong?
In a past life, perhaps?
If one believes in those anyway.
Is it a chemical imbalance in my mind?
Or is it all a simple phase,
As everyone seems to think.
I guess it does not matter,
As if anyone cared to begin with,
I'll allow others to stare upon my scars,
Let them judge with horror in their eyes,
Maybe even disgust?
I don't mind crying to slee
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 10]
"It means nothing," he murmured as he played with Dan's hair. The brunette was asleep beside him on the sofa, their bodies tightly squished together on the leather seat, heat exchanging between them and their hearts beating loudly together. Dan's face was buried in Phil's chest and Phil was supporting Dan's weight with his arm wrapped around his middle so the brunette did not fall off the sofa.
Curling his brown locks around his fingers, Phil sighed as he kissed Dan's forehead and whispered, "It means everything to me."
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 11]
His eyes slowly opened and he looked up to see Phil kissing his forehead. He did not move until his lips left his skin and then he reached up to bring their lips together as he closed his eyes again.
He could feel the fingers that were once in his hair now reach back down to join the other arm around his waist to stop him from falling off of the sofa and he pressed himself closer to his pale frame as he deepened the kiss.
"Dan," Phil breathed against his lips when they parted and Dan kissed him again as his arms reached up from around Phil's waist up to his neck where he dug his fingers within his dark locks. He bit the other's lips as Phil whimpered and drew him closer to him.
"Don't ever leave me," he heard him say and Dan felt his breath hitch at the words from his friend. They locked gazes and Dan slowly nodded, burying himself closer again and returning his arms to around Phil's waist as he felt the other squeeze his own waist. Phil rested his head upon Dan's brown curls and smile
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 13]
"Fucking bastard, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Dan muttered angrily to himself as he buried himself beneath his bed covers and pillows. He held the pillow over his head as he heard a light knock on his bedroom door.
"Fuck off Phil you wanker," he said loud enough for the other to hear and yet still the slight creak of his door was heard as it opened, the light sound of shuffling coming next as Phil entered the room and then the swift shutting of the door before silence. Phil did not move and nor did Dan. For a moment they simply existed in that room, both unsure as to what to say.
The bed dipped as weight was added and Dan unburied himself from beneath the pillow as he growled angrily, "I thought I told you to fuck off-" although he was quickly silenced by Phil's lips on his own.
He almost melted into the kiss but he pushed him away and turned his back to him as he spat, "Bastard."
"I'm sorry Dan," Phil murmured after a while and Dan refused to turn to him because he knew his blue eyes would be
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 15]
His arms were draped around him, holding him close, so close he could smell the scent of raspberry from his shower gel on his pale skin. He traced his fingers along his chest, around his nipples, curling his chest hair beneath his fingertips. He could see his eyes moving beneath his closed lids, his lashes brushing his lightly blushing cheeks. Dan reached up to trace his index finger along Phil's bottom lip, parting them as his hot breath brushed Dan's forehead.
Dan felt his lips move under his fingertips as Phil murmured groggily, "What are you doing Dan?"
"Nothing," came his soft reply and he reached up in the other's embrace to kiss him, a gentle smile tugging at his lips as Phil kissed him back.
"What was that for?" Phil asked and Dan shrugged, wrapping his arms around Phil's waist as he replied, "I wanted to."
"Good enough for me," Phil smiled and kissed Dan's forehead, snuggling closer as he sighed, "Shall we stay in bed a little longer?"
Dan nodded and closed his eyes as he murm
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 7]
He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, his brown curls falling into his eyes as he buried his face into the pillow while he dreamed. Phil watched as Dan breathed deeply and then let out his breath again as he turned on his side in Phil's embrace.
The bed covers fell to reveal his tanned hip and Phil traced his fingers gently along the skin, making circular patterns before gliding his hands up to Dan's sides, along his ribs, up his arms and finally resting onto his shoulder.
He glanced at his face, watching him for a moment longer before sliding his fingertips up to Dan's neck where he dug lightly into his flesh and watched as the brunette groaned and squirmed in his sleep. He pressed his fingers in slightly harder and smirked when Dan let out a shaky moan and squirmed away from Phil.
Opening his eyes slowly and blinking, Dan reached up to touch his neck, all the while gazing at Phil who watched him in turn with a smirk on his pretty lips.
"You're a fucking asshole," he murmured be
It's Raining Today
It's raining today.
I can hear the slosh of water on car wheels outside my window; see the racing droplets on the glass that shields me from the cold outside.
Although it's Autumn it feels more like Winter, but I suppose that's just because it's typical British weather.
Not that I mind too much.
I shift my weight to make sure my legs don't die beneath me; I'm sitting on my bed, gazing out at the wet street. Someone walks by with a rather dull umbrella and I wish I owned an umbrella painted like a rainbow.
Another car drives by and disturbs the puddles in the road, the reflections now distorted until the water settles once more.
I always find it odd how when it rains, the sky is a pure white tinted with light grey where the clouds have created a blanket in the sky. It makes me wonder if I reached out and parted some of the clouds, if I would see the blue sky still, or if more white would appear.
I guess I'll never know.
My thumb is rubbing the smooth curve of my mug that rests between m
I'm Going To Miss YouIt's an odd thought,
Realizing that you may not see the same faces those five days a week in that same building ever again.
It's odd to think that once the experience ends,
We'll never meet again,
Will never exchange in conversation or even share another laugh, gossip and smile.
Life will go on,
And we'll go our separate ways;
Some will travel the world,
Others settling with families,
And some will achieve something amazing.
But I won't be there for you and you won't be there for me.
What do you think it will be like,
When we return to places we've been before?
Perhaps the town where we and our separate group of friends hung out,
Or maybe even the park where we brought ice-cream in the Summer,
And made snow angels in the Winter.
Will you see me watching you from afar?
Will you say hello?
Will you even remember me at all?
I wonder often what it shall be like,
When I walk along the street and see your face amongst the crowd,
Stopping dead within my tracks,
My eyes now on you and your fam
A Horrible Love SongWhatever happened to us?
I thought that it was love at first sight,
I guess it was a lie,
Like all those ones you told me before,
Although I swallowed them whole,
Like sleeping pills,
To a happy land,
Where we smiled and held hands,
And I was happy with you.
Whatever happened to the times we spent together?
Did they mean nothing to you at all?
I thought what we had was special,
But apparently not,
You tore out my heart,
With your harsh words,
And now I'm alone.
Do you remember when we came here,
For the first time,
On a snowy night,
In the middle of Winter,
We had a cup of tea,
Instead of coffee,
And read our books in the booth,
In the corner of the cafe.
But do you remember when,
We ran into the Autumn leaves,
Sang songs beneath the willow trees,
And laughed along to old love songs,
From long ago,
Before our time,
When things were only black and white,
Just me and you.
I miss the days that we hung out,
Just sitting in the Summer sun,
Soaking up the golden rays,
While we closed our eye
Could It Be Worse - Kickthestickz"You know what? Fine! I'll go! AND MAYBE THIS TIME I WON'T COME BACK!" I roared, slamming the door shut. Fucking family. We'd had yet another argument that had resulted in them kicking me out. Fan-fucking-tastic. I shivered against the near arctic winds of the North and instantly regretted not getting a coat or jacket before I left. It's not like I can go back now, though. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and quickly texted Dan:
'Hey, can I stay round yours for a while?'
He must've had his phone on him or something because before I could return my phone to my pocket, he'd replied saying:
'Sure, family problems again?'
'You know it.' I typed, physically rolling my eyes. I slid my phone into my pocket and was about to start walking when I had one of those feelings where you think you're being watched. I scanned the area and my line of vision rested on a human shaped pile of clothing, with a pair of stunning, pale green eyes poking out under a mess of muddy b
What Am I? - FRERARDFandom: My Chemical Romance
Pairing: Frerard (Frank Iero and Gerard Way)
Point of View: Gerard
"Gee, do you think I'm an emo?"
The question catches me so off-guard that I all but choke on my orange juice, the manufactured taste of nothing that was once a real fruit clogging in my throat as though it wants to crawl back out of me just to raise it's metaphorical eyebrows at my pixie-esque boyfriend who is lying next to me on my bed, tongue rolling over his lip ring as it always does when he's deep in thought.
"What d'you mean?" I mumble back after forcing the juice to go back down my throat; Frank's always asking questions, this one is no different from any other.
Yes it is.
He usually asks about vampires or comic books or if I think he's sexier than Batman, never about something that makes up him. Never does he second-guess himself like this, because that's what he's doing. He's asking me if he is what the other kids at school tell him he is, what he always denies being because
Royal Problems: Part 1
"Tuck your shirt in, comb your hair! Come on Daniel, we have to be on the balcony in a minute, in front of millions of people! At least try to make an effort!" My mother sighs, brushing dirt of my shirt and straightening out my collar. Another important day for the family.
I shove my hands in my trousers, tucking in my freshly ironed shirt carefully. Will and Kate will be there, they've been in the media a lot lately, ever since their wedding last year. Hopefully the cameras will focus more on them instead of me. Ha, I wish.
According to the newspapers I'm the 19 year old every girl wants. I can hardly go anywhere without having a photo snapped, which makes it hard for me to leave the palace. We've been staying there, mum and I until further notice. There's something her and dad aren't telling me but they've been so busy lately I haven't had the chance to talk to them.
"5 minutes madam." Our servant saunters in, opening the door so we can join the others. I quickly run my hands through
You Can't Define Love - FRERARDFandom: My Chemical Romance
Pairing: Frerard (Frank Iero and Gerard Way)
"You're not gonna get any sense out of him, bro. I've been trying since English and all he's managed to do is confuse me with all of his Socrates bullshit." Mikey warns me exasperatedly, gesturing to our best friend who is striding happily along next to him, a smug and satisfied smirk plastered onto his adorably youthful face. "Fucking Miss Jones and her Greek philosophy." He grumbles in disdain at what his English teacher has unleashed upon us; a Frank Iero who believes that everything needs to be questioned and that nothing can have a proper answer. "All he's been doing since ten this morning is asking people to tell him what shit is and all they've managed to do is either get confused or majorly pissed off. Do you know how many angry jocks we've had to run away from, Gee?" He pauses for dramatic effect, adjusting his trademark glasses. "Four! And two nerds. He angered the nerds, Gee! The motherfuckers who are s
KickTheStickz - Four AM
I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I don't even know what posessed me to drag myself out of bed and drive here. Why am I standing outside my best friend's door at four AM? Maybe I should just go home... It can probably wait until tomorrow, and I'll just annoy him if I wake him up now...
PJ started to turn away from the familiar door that stood before him, attempting to push away the image of his best friend, and long-term-crush, from his mind. He knew that Chris wouldn't appreciate him appearing on his doorstep so early in the morning, but he had absolutely no idea why he chose this time in the first place... It just felt like the right time. Either way he decided he could wait until tomorrow to hold the conversation that he'd been playing out in his mind for the past few days.
The moment his attention was on the floor infront of him, his bod
Thanks to you-PhanThanks to you;
I'm not myself, I'm all strung out that much is clear. I refuse to talk to anyone else, cutting myself off from the real world. It's too quiet here now, I know I always told you to keep the noise down when you played on games, but now it's too... empty.
Any sudden noise makes me jump, all I'm used to is the soft sobbing that I seem to make every night. The tears only make appearances at night time, forcing me to stay awake. Thanks to you, I'm now an insomniac. The thought of sleep scares me, the nightmares, they haunt me. The images of you, laid on your bed, blood splattered everywhere and a big, deep puddle of blood staining your arms. The smell of pain and suffering mixed in with alcohol. It makes me feel sick. The only time I sleep quiet and complacent is when I take the medication they gave me. But I don't like taking them.
Thanks to you, I'm depressed. Thanks to you I'm close to being homeless. The videos stopped when you stopped breathing. I c
For Evami - KickthestickzPeej lay on the sofa smiling to himself. He had one arm wrapped around the older boy who was resting his head on gently on his chest, the other behind his head. It was one of their lazy days, these were PJ's favourites. He and Chris just lay around watching TV, eating and snuggling on the sofa. Sometimes PJ wished he could just lay there for ever, with Chris, it was almost like paradise. He wanted to stay there, forget about everything, everyone, just him and Chris, forever.
His thoughts were broken by the boy on his chest mumbling incoherently and shuffled closer to PJ, draping one of his legs over his body. PJ chuckled and tightened his grip around Chris who was slowly awakening from his slumber.
"Peej?" His voice was croaky and dry.
"Hello, beautiful." PJ kissed Chris' forehead and he smiled. Chris loved being woken up like this, PJ never failed to put him in a good mood.
"How long have I been asleep for?" He asked, propping himself up on his hand.
Meeting - Phan for HiddenAwayAlex and imafanofphanDan's POV
I looked around awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I didn't know anyone here. I'd planned on making friends but it was proving a little more difficult than expected. I'm not a big time youtuber, like Charlie or Alex so I don't have all the fangirls they do. I've had a couple people come up to me but they're always around the others. I wandered over to a tree and sat against the trunk in the shade of the summery sun. I picked a couple of strands of grass, twiddling them in my finger tips. I felt a darker shadow loom over me and I squinted up at it. A dark haired man stood over me, smiling. His eyes were almost as blue as the sky but were warming, welcoming. He was gorgeous.
"Hi, I'm Amazingphil. You're danisnotonfire, right?" He asked, sitting down cross-legged beside me.
"Uhh, yeah. How do you know me?" I asked, genuinely bewildered. I hadn't expected someone like Phil to have heard about me, he's quite famous. I've watched all of his videos never thinking I'd see him