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I think I am beginning to run out of words to describe how I feel... shame really. Even my thoughts are beginning to die. There used to be so many of them running around inside my mind but now... silence. Well, not entirely. But mostly they have just... stopped. Stopped running. Flying. Whatever it is that they did. They have just stopped moving altogether. Maybe my thoughts are tired. Tired of themselves. They are all the same anyway. I bet they are sick of each other and their constant whining and moaning. I know I am.
The problem is that I am tired. But it is not just the physical type of tired. I am tired. Just tired. And to be honest, I am not sure what I am tired of. Myself maybe. Or my thoughts. Or life. Or things. I have yet to work it out.
My head hurts. How unfortunate on my part.
I feel numb. How empty.
Just MeThese scars that run along my arms,
Scarring my skin for others to see,
A pain to bare for my emotional state,
In which I inflict pain without purpose,
And then act as if everything is fine,
When I know it is not.
Why do I seem to cry each night?
Smothering my sobs into a familiar pillow,
Only myself and the walls of my room to hear me,
As my soul bleeds out from within,
For no one but me will ever hear them,
As if they'd care to listen.
Thoughts flitter through my mind at times,
Horrid things of dark intentions,
And I shove them aside,
Tell them to leave,
And yet they always come back,
As if haunting me,
Just for fun.
Did I do something wrong?
In a past life, perhaps?
If one believes in those anyway.
Is it a chemical imbalance in my mind?
Or is it all a simple phase,
As everyone seems to think.
I guess it does not matter,
As if anyone cared to begin with,
I'll allow others to stare upon my scars,
Let them judge with horror in their eyes,
Maybe even disgust?
I don't mind crying to slee
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 10]
"It means nothing," he murmured as he played with Dan's hair. The brunette was asleep beside him on the sofa, their bodies tightly squished together on the leather seat, heat exchanging between them and their hearts beating loudly together. Dan's face was buried in Phil's chest and Phil was supporting Dan's weight with his arm wrapped around his middle so the brunette did not fall off the sofa.
Curling his brown locks around his fingers, Phil sighed as he kissed Dan's forehead and whispered, "It means everything to me."
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 7]
He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, his brown curls falling into his eyes as he buried his face into the pillow while he dreamed. Phil watched as Dan breathed deeply and then let out his breath again as he turned on his side in Phil's embrace.
The bed covers fell to reveal his tanned hip and Phil traced his fingers gently along the skin, making circular patterns before gliding his hands up to Dan's sides, along his ribs, up his arms and finally resting onto his shoulder.
He glanced at his face, watching him for a moment longer before sliding his fingertips up to Dan's neck where he dug lightly into his flesh and watched as the brunette groaned and squirmed in his sleep. He pressed his fingers in slightly harder and smirked when Dan let out a shaky moan and squirmed away from Phil.
Opening his eyes slowly and blinking, Dan reached up to touch his neck, all the while gazing at Phil who watched him in turn with a smirk on his pretty lips.
"You're a fucking asshole," he murmured be
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 15]
His arms were draped around him, holding him close, so close he could smell the scent of raspberry from his shower gel on his pale skin. He traced his fingers along his chest, around his nipples, curling his chest hair beneath his fingertips. He could see his eyes moving beneath his closed lids, his lashes brushing his lightly blushing cheeks. Dan reached up to trace his index finger along Phil's bottom lip, parting them as his hot breath brushed Dan's forehead.
Dan felt his lips move under his fingertips as Phil murmured groggily, "What are you doing Dan?"
"Nothing," came his soft reply and he reached up in the other's embrace to kiss him, a gentle smile tugging at his lips as Phil kissed him back.
"What was that for?" Phil asked and Dan shrugged, wrapping his arms around Phil's waist as he replied, "I wanted to."
"Good enough for me," Phil smiled and kissed Dan's forehead, snuggling closer as he sighed, "Shall we stay in bed a little longer?"
Dan nodded and closed his eyes as he murm
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 13]
"Fucking bastard, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Dan muttered angrily to himself as he buried himself beneath his bed covers and pillows. He held the pillow over his head as he heard a light knock on his bedroom door.
"Fuck off Phil you wanker," he said loud enough for the other to hear and yet still the slight creak of his door was heard as it opened, the light sound of shuffling coming next as Phil entered the room and then the swift shutting of the door before silence. Phil did not move and nor did Dan. For a moment they simply existed in that room, both unsure as to what to say.
The bed dipped as weight was added and Dan unburied himself from beneath the pillow as he growled angrily, "I thought I told you to fuck off-" although he was quickly silenced by Phil's lips on his own.
He almost melted into the kiss but he pushed him away and turned his back to him as he spat, "Bastard."
"I'm sorry Dan," Phil murmured after a while and Dan refused to turn to him because he knew his blue eyes would be
Phan: It Means Nothing [Part 11]
His eyes slowly opened and he looked up to see Phil kissing his forehead. He did not move until his lips left his skin and then he reached up to bring their lips together as he closed his eyes again.
He could feel the fingers that were once in his hair now reach back down to join the other arm around his waist to stop him from falling off of the sofa and he pressed himself closer to his pale frame as he deepened the kiss.
"Dan," Phil breathed against his lips when they parted and Dan kissed him again as his arms reached up from around Phil's waist up to his neck where he dug his fingers within his dark locks. He bit the other's lips as Phil whimpered and drew him closer to him.
"Don't ever leave me," he heard him say and Dan felt his breath hitch at the words from his friend. They locked gazes and Dan slowly nodded, burying himself closer again and returning his arms to around Phil's waist as he felt the other squeeze his own waist. Phil rested his head upon Dan's brown curls and smile
Dyslexia: Feels DumbFeels Dumb.
It is a horrid moment when that test is placed before you and you stare at it for a moment before writing your name upon the virgin white paper. You twiddle your thumbs, a sweat breaking out upon your brow and bite your lip with nerves.
I understand. I really do.
When that test is placed before me and I've already suffered one panic attack wondering what exam it is I have today or whether I have an exam at all. One panic attack down. Many more to go.
I knot my fingers; make them scrap across my skin because somehow it calms me to feel something against my skin. I begin to shake my leg, its motions erratic as I try to get rid of the panic filled energy flowing through me.
I want to cry. I don't like this. I want out. Let me out.
No. I must stay and see this through.
Exams are high though. Everyone feels dumb in them, don't they? Everyone always seems so happy and surprised with their results so I guess that's evidence.
Let us lower it, shall we?
How about somewhere si
Could It Be Worse - Kickthestickz"You know what? Fine! I'll go! AND MAYBE THIS TIME I WON'T COME BACK!" I roared, slamming the door shut. Fucking family. We'd had yet another argument that had resulted in them kicking me out. Fan-fucking-tastic. I shivered against the near arctic winds of the North and instantly regretted not getting a coat or jacket before I left. It's not like I can go back now, though. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and quickly texted Dan:
'Hey, can I stay round yours for a while?'
He must've had his phone on him or something because before I could return my phone to my pocket, he'd replied saying:
'Sure, family problems again?'
'You know it.' I typed, physically rolling my eyes. I slid my phone into my pocket and was about to start walking when I had one of those feelings where you think you're being watched. I scanned the area and my line of vision rested on a human shaped pile of clothing, with a pair of stunning, pale green eyes poking out under a mess of muddy b
What Am I? - FRERARDFandom: My Chemical Romance
Pairing: Frerard (Frank Iero and Gerard Way)
Point of View: Gerard
"Gee, do you think I'm an emo?"
The question catches me so off-guard that I all but choke on my orange juice, the manufactured taste of nothing that was once a real fruit clogging in my throat as though it wants to crawl back out of me just to raise it's metaphorical eyebrows at my pixie-esque boyfriend who is lying next to me on my bed, tongue rolling over his lip ring as it always does when he's deep in thought.
"What d'you mean?" I mumble back after forcing the juice to go back down my throat; Frank's always asking questions, this one is no different from any other.
Yes it is.
He usually asks about vampires or comic books or if I think he's sexier than Batman, never about something that makes up him. Never does he second-guess himself like this, because that's what he's doing. He's asking me if he is what the other kids at school tell him he is, what he always denies being because
Phan - BrokenAuthor; Breffski
Warning; Dan's depression :c
Author's note; I've finally got the motivation <3
Dan sat at the kitchen table, staring down at the food Phil had put in front of him. He picked up his fork but just prodded and poked at it for a while, not really paying attention or eating it. The comments and abuse he'd been receiving lately had really started to kick in, and he wasn't handling it too well. He gave up after a few bites and sat back in his chair, resting his hand on his stomach. "I'm done," He said, taking a quick drink of his coke before pushing the plate away from him.
Phil's glare told Dan that he wasn't entirely convinced. He closed his eyes and let out a small sigh, sending Phil a poor attempt at a reassuring smile. "Honestly. I'm fine. Just not hungry." He lied. He hated lying to Phil; it broke his heart, but he couldn't tell him what was going on. He'd surely just think he was being pathetic and shrug it off as a po
St. Billie's comin' down across the alleyway
Up on the boulevard like a zip gun on parade
Light of a silhouette
Coming at you on the count of 1,2,1,2,3,4!
He walks down the street, like he owns the place. His black sneakers hitting the pavement hard, the smack of the sole of the shoe could be heard from a mile away. They call him St. Billie, sometimes Two Dollar Bill, because he sells joints for two dollars. His rebel hair blowing around from the wind. He's handsome, the kid thinks, He'd never like a loser like me
My name is Billie and you better not wear it out
Suicide commando that your momma talked about
King of the forty thieves
And I'm here to represent
The needle in the vein of the establishment
He sits on the corner and smokes a joint, not a care in the world. The kid watches him, wondering what he thinks about, when St. Billie catches him staring. He's in for it now. Never mess with Billie, others say. The kid had once heard he had
You Can't Define Love - FRERARDFandom: My Chemical Romance
Pairing: Frerard (Frank Iero and Gerard Way)
"You're not gonna get any sense out of him, bro. I've been trying since English and all he's managed to do is confuse me with all of his Socrates bullshit." Mikey warns me exasperatedly, gesturing to our best friend who is striding happily along next to him, a smug and satisfied smirk plastered onto his adorably youthful face. "Fucking Miss Jones and her Greek philosophy." He grumbles in disdain at what his English teacher has unleashed upon us; a Frank Iero who believes that everything needs to be questioned and that nothing can have a proper answer. "All he's been doing since ten this morning is asking people to tell him what shit is and all they've managed to do is either get confused or majorly pissed off. Do you know how many angry jocks we've had to run away from, Gee?" He pauses for dramatic effect, adjusting his trademark glasses. "Four! And two nerds. He angered the nerds, Gee! The motherfuckers who are s
Phan - Afraid [Part Two]Author; Breffski
Warning; Nothing c:
Author's note; I thought you guys deserved something for being so patient with me and my KickTheStickz series >.
Thanks to you-PhanThanks to you;
I'm not myself, I'm all strung out that much is clear. I refuse to talk to anyone else, cutting myself off from the real world. It's too quiet here now, I know I always told you to keep the noise down when you played on games, but now it's too... empty.
Any sudden noise makes me jump, all I'm used to is the soft sobbing that I seem to make every night. The tears only make appearances at night time, forcing me to stay awake. Thanks to you, I'm now an insomniac. The thought of sleep scares me, the nightmares, they haunt me. The images of you, laid on your bed, blood splattered everywhere and a big, deep puddle of blood staining your arms. The smell of pain and suffering mixed in with alcohol. It makes me feel sick. The only time I sleep quiet and complacent is when I take the medication they gave me. But I don't like taking them.
Thanks to you, I'm depressed. Thanks to you I'm close to being homeless. The videos stopped when you stopped breathing. I c
Phan - No matter what
Phan No matter what
It was a warm, clear summer's evening and the air was close. Phil and Dan were laying on a picnic blanket in Hyde Park gazing up at the sky as the night began to draw in. Dan had his arms wrapped tightly around Phil, gently rubbing his back and holding him protectively near. Phil had his eyes closed and a small smile played on his lips. He had never been happier, right here in this moment with his head nuzzled into Dan's chest and hearing the soothing pound of his heartbeat.
Phil never, ever wanted this to end as he drew back and tentatively gazed at the younger man.
'I love you Dan'
'I love you too Phil' replied Dan in an instant, adjusting his eyes to peer down into the pale blue ones staring up at him.
'But will you always? I don't think I could ever live without you' Phil asked quietly, his eyes still round and wide as he looked up at Dan
Dan sighed, his heart swelled as he looked at Phil. Gorgeous, adorable Phil. His Phil.
'Do you even have to ask
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